Hey, It’s Christmas 2009

December 25, 2009

Hello Million Friends,

How many Christmas letters did you receive this year?  From me to you, here we go!

January was off to a perfect start when we won the lottery!  After taxes it only amounted to $29 million.  Oh well!

After donating to charity in February, we generously cut a few checks to some blood-sucking relatives.  We purchased several homes around the world and a Lear jet.  Our homes were ready equipped with maids, butlers, chefs, secretaries, and Vana White stand-ins. As luck would have it, there were plenty Vana stand-ins available.  They stroll around in evening gowns, motioning from ceiling to floor.  I’ve always wondered how Vana White cornered the market with pointing skills.  Finally, I broke down and started a school for women with a passion for pointing while simultaneously wearing a gown.  Most women are born with this innate skill.

March was a busy month interviewing my personal staff and shopping for new cars.  I also interviewed a few monkeys just for fun.

April was a terrible month, it rained every day for at least an hour on our new island.  Surprise!!! We purchased Belize and will now have passive income from our new little tourist trap.  Okay, I hate to be “Debbie Downer”, but our laundress came down with a serious case of carpal tunnel and our canary died.  Everyone pitched in to help wash our undergarments on the laundry rocks down by the river.   (My newest invention for touristy fun, learn to wash clothes the “Island Way” $10.00 per person, will buy you a boat ride to a laundry rock.  They never want to leave after this new experience.) We just wear underwear on the island because we’re modest people.  No nude bathers allowed.

After our April dilemmas I decided to start a gratitude journal.    It’s the best thing to do when you feel like nothing is going your way.

In May I published a new magazine called C, featuring yours truly on every cover.  Everything C from magazines and malls to fishing equipment and art museums.  With the increased revenue we decided to break down and drill for our own gold and oil.  It makes perfect sense in a down market.

June was a sad month as we found ourselves a little blue after the “high” of winning the lottery.  To cheer up, we decided it was time to fulfill our dream and climb Mount Kilimanjaro in our new Ford F150. Our driver, Edwin, showed marvelous skill at the wheel as he played the stick shift Yo Yo Ma style.  Inevitably we stopped for a stretch and potty break.  I told the boys “do your duty, but don’t squat too low you’ll lose your footing”.  Edwin didn’t hear me and he squatted too low. Oh noooooo…his blood curdling scream turned into a reverberous #11, tumbling, rolling, crashing all the way.  The poor guy just hit his head a few too many times.  As we wept and said our goodbyes I reached for the high powered binoculars to get one final look.  He died with a smile on his face and his pants around his ankles.  We laughed, as our sense of humor was the only thing that could get us through this horrific event.

While still grieving Edwin’s passing, July crept in unnoticed.  The puppies had problems I couldn’t ignore. Between their ailing backs, and heart problems I was at the end of my rope.  After calling some of our dearest friends Kate and John, Kathy Lee, and the Pope for puppy advice, they unanimously suggested a puppy psychiatrist, not just a dog whisperer.  A psycho-puppy specialist, along with a Veterinarian.

In August, my newest painting was accepted for a juried show at MOMA, which I had also purchased in February.  Odd, I was the only artist accepted.  Buy the gallery, it’s a surefire way to become an overnight success and live your dream.

September, while styling in Palm Beach, you’ll never guess who we met on the golf course.  No, not the Tiger, but his Mama.  She was sitting on Donald Trump’s lap riding around the golf course guzzling a bud straight from the bottle. The Asian pear doesn’t fall far from the Pear tree, and well isn’t that just like the Trumpster? So, there you go Lola Falana.  A Partridge in a pear tree?

Hallmark announced a new holli-hour, October 1, from 12 a.m. to 1 a.m. will forever be known as National “C” hour.  The party of the century flew as it was flung. Brad and Angelina showed up, so I asked her about her lips.  All this time I thought it was collagen, and was I ever wrong!  You’ll never guess how she does her fat lip thing.  Before any photo op or big event she plays the clarinet (sans the reed) for two hours straight.  Who knew?

November, we visited our turkey farm and decided to see how high they could fly.  We put the Chihuahuas outside for a minute and you should’ve watched those suckers fly straight up to heaven and land on the tree limbs.  It was good clean fun, as a side note, we had salad for Thanksgiving.

December flew by, we decided enough of this fancy living, back to our day jobs.  My next Christmas letter will be dedicated to all of you, and I’m naming names, no pouting aloud or allowed.

Pray for peace,
Chris